Plans Foiled for Band of Mischief-Making Chickens
Oh, how we pray you will read this part before diving into the sea of words below and realize THIS IS MEANT IN FUN.
By Vanessa Wolf
The confirmation that the February 26 power outage at the Kahului Airport was caused by a chicken found inside a transformer in the rental car area validated investigators’ worst fears.
A spokesperson commented, “For several months now, there has been talk of a renegade band of shenanigan-loving chickens holding regular meetings in the parking lot of the Ross Dress for Less in Kahului. We hoped it was just a misunderstanding or an attempt by someone who dislikes those roosters to have them removed. However, when we looked into it, there was definitely cause for suspicion.”
Officers learned of the suspected chicken posse when witnesses reported overhearing what at first sounded like a rooster crowing, but soon became recognizable as a cackle of laughter. The assembled crowd of genus gallus domesticus watched with seeming delight as a large rooster charged a teenage couple, scaring the young woman considerably. As her shrieks of terror rang out, the merriment level within the flock grew notably.
Sharon Pendleton, visiting from Burbank, California, was there and recalled, “I never heard a rooster laugh before… and certainly not like that. It made my blood run cold.”
Undercover investigations led by officers in chicken costumes borrowed from Just Wing It in Kihei commenced in mid-January. Ross shoppers may have noticed the men pawing at the dirt and eating grubs along with the rest of the flock, but assumed they were simply workers hired to promote a local accountant’s 2012 income tax services.
One of the undercover officers agreed to speak on the record, but for obvious reasons still maintains his anonymity to this day. He recalled the investigation as “a real nail biter,” adding, “I could never shake the feeling that the head rooster was onto me. We had a couple tense encounters over this one hen, and I was just waiting for him to call me out as a dude in a furry yellow costume. I mean, come on.”
Critics of the investigation have weighed in, claiming that the costumed officers had enough information to foresee and prevent the rental car transformer power outage prank. However, defenders have pointed out that the series of scratches into the dirt – now believed to be a map of the airport – are telling in hindsight, but were not interpretable in time to piece together the clues and prevent the incident.
Moreover, the efforts of the officers led to the ultimate disbanding and relocation of the flock to various parts of Haiku. Sources say further pranks planned included shutting down power at the Kihei DMV during peak waiting around forever times, a group skinny dip in the Maui Mall fountains, and taunting Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler with wild wing flapping and aggrandized posturing “just because he was there.”
Again, minus the power going out at the airport on Tuesday due to a chicken in the transformer, nothing about this story is true and has been written purely for your amusement.
Have an idea for a fun or thought-provoking story? Get in touch: we want to hear from you. -Vanessa (@mauinow.com)