By Vanessa Wolf
From the mind of Donavita Quixota-Wolf:
Sorry to bother you, but I’m in the midst of a great adventure: spreading chivalry, righting wrongs, and slaying beasts.
There’s something terrible here amongst us, and I need to gather others to the cause. I think you can help.
So here’s the story: I was recently in Ma’alaea and spotted an impressive and intimidating soldier-like formation of giants on the side of the Kaheawa Pastures.
Such horrors you cannot imagine!
After cowering in terror and gathering my thoughts safely inside the Maui Ocean Center, I came to a decision. As of today, I am gathering an army to rise against those giants. They must be stopped.
Dios mio, they will be stopped!
Wait? What? Why are you laughing at me?
Don’t you hear me? They might be giants.
They’re not windmills. Don’t kid a kidder, my friend.
Have you seen my electric bill? If there were windmills on this island I would know about it.
And I certainly wouldn’t have received a rate increase from MECO last summer. No, those are no windmills. Those are giants that need to be slain. We’ll feast on the bones!
What do you mean I’m “tilting at windmills”?
Hmmmm… Say what?
You may have a point. You certainly wouldn’t be the first to suggest I’m attacking an imaginary enemy.
That being the case, if I take you up on this madcap theory that those giants on the Kaheawa Pastures are actually windmills as you say, then I propose someone forgot to plug them in.
That’s right. I said it. I’m going there: clearly those suckers aren’t plugged in.
In fact, just to make my point, I’m going to do a little improv and share with you a new idiom I just made up right here, right now: “tilting at Maui windmills.” Go ahead and spread it around. It means “savings that are as invisible as the wind.”
It’s catchy, right?
Perhaps MECO should consider it as a slogan. “MECO: Tilting at Maui windmills.”
You can borrow it any time. In fact, the next time someone suggests you go with them to check out a “sale” at the Louis Vuitton in the Shops in Wailea, feel free to call their number. e.g. “I don’t think so, Kimo Sabe. That’s just tilting at Maui windmills.”
There will be no need to explain or argue the facts further, as you’ll both have no real choice but to shrug and laugh at two inarguable truths:
- When an item is already marked up 10,000%, it never really goes on sale.
- When an electric company continues to pass (3.16% in June 2012) rate increases on to its customers, it’s getting kind of hard to believe all those windmills are actually plugged into something.
Meanwhile, you must excuse me.
I encountered a green, round-ish, slow-moving baby sea dragon swimming off Ulua the other day, and I promised to return and bring it some mochi balls.
The article above is purely intended for satirical purposes.