But if this were true. It isn’t. We wish it were true, but it’s really just a little Arts and Entertainment piece that you will hopefully find entertaining or at least slightly amusing. Special thanks to my dad and his mad Photoshop skillz.
By Vanessa Wolf
Hawaii loves Spam.
Although made in the Midwest, those of us here in the islands consume the most Spam per capita.
The Aloha State chows down on over seven million cans each year.
Spam (a name derived from “spiced ham”) is a canned precooked meat product whose ingredients list indicates it’s made from chopped pork, water, modified potato starch, salt, sugar and sodium nitrite.
The folks in charge at the Hormel Foods Corporation are clearly big picture, out-of-the-box thinker types.
Not content to rest on their meaty laurels, Spam is available in a veritable kaleidoscope of flavors such as Hickory Smoke, Oven Roasted Turkey, Garlic, Hot and Spicy, BBQ, Black Pepper, With Cheese, With Bacon, and Jalapeno.
Even if you don’t like Spam, you have to admit a couple of those sound pretty freaking appealing, if not transcendent.
Spam, once described in a Monty Python skit as ubiquitous and inescapable is likely both.
And although already available in a stunning array of varieties, the fine folks at Hormel went back into the lab to crank out a few more unique offerings that will soon be tested here in Hawaii and available in local grocery stores.
Four flavors were announced: Pineapple, Maui Snow, Macadamia Nut, and Hawaiian Rainbow.
Pineapple brings together two things Hawaiians have long known: pigs and pineapples make fine bedfellows.
Endowed with pineapple chunks, the new flavor is sure to make garnishing a pizza that much easier.
Maui Snow is described as “smoky and earthy, with a controversial aftertaste.”
When asked whether actual bits of sugar cane burned on Maui were collected and used in the product, the spokesperson grew evasive and began to sweat. We feel that’s about as close as one can get to answering a question without actually speaking a word.
At its first inception, Macadamia Nut flavor included macadamia nut pieces and white chocolate chips.
However, when focus groups declared the confusing oral death match in their mouths to be “freaky” and “nauseating” the white chocolate chip element was reconsidered and ultimately abandoned.
The nuts, however, remain and are said to add an interesting twist and unexpected crunch to the canned meat. Macadamia nuts make everything better anyway.
Hawaiian Rainbow, thankfully, is neither fruit flavored nor filled with Skittles. It is actually regular Spam dolled up and ready to party courtesy of the latest in space age food coloring technology. A full ROYGBIV spectacular, it’s sure to put a smile on your face.
If there were such a thing as unicorns, we would expect them to surface simply to get a little nibble of Hawaiian Rainbow Spam, and wouldn’t that be a sight to see.
Have an idea for a fun or thought-provoking story or topic? Get in touch: we want to hear from you. -Vanessa (@mauinow.com)