Oh, how we pray you will read this part before diving into the sea of words below and realize THIS IS NOT TRUE AND MEANT IN FUN.
By Vanessa Wolf
Carlson is ultimately seeking a two year, two mile protective order against the marine mammal.
He hopes this will help prevent the creature from “giving him the stink eye,” excessive splashing in his general direction or anywhere in his vicinity, or “further egregious breaches” within eyeshot of land.
Inquiry into the unusual legal effort indicated the bad feelings are due in large part to an expensive and unwelcome car accident Carlson blames on the whale.
“I was driving back to North Kihei from Lahaina on the Honopiiliani Highway last week, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something off the coast,” Carlson explained. “All the flopping and gallivanting and obvious attempts to draw attention to itself worked.”
Carlson paused to reflect, his bitterness obvious. “I couldn’t tear my eyes away. The car hit the guard rail and was nearly totaled. Repairs are going to take another week at least. Now I have to get around the island on a lady beach cruiser. Do you know how hard that is on a guy as out of shape as me?”
Carlson then pointed to his ample midsection and shook his head sadly.
His girlfriend, Nancy London of Homer, Alaska chimed in after a lengthy pause, “I think Chip has lost his mind.”
Sharp looks were exchanged between the two, and London declined further comment.
A later phone interview with Carlson revealed he believes this recent car accident was not his first encounter – nor the only damage caused – by the whale.
In June 2008, Carlson, then a resident of Homer, was involved in an incident off the coast in Kachemak Bay.
While he was fishing, a whale surfaced near his kayak, the shock of which forced him overboard and ultimately resulted in a nasty fishing hook/line/toe ensnarement.
Unfortunately, Carlson lost his left pinky toe as a result of the incident, a happenstance he feels both throws off his golf game and “makes it really emotionally uncomfortable to show my bare feet.”
Carlson is convinced it was the same whale, an animal he characterizes as “uncommonly evil and hell-bent on the destruction of humankind.”
When pressed for details as to how he identified the whale as the same, Carlson became wistful, “There are just some things a man knows.”
Carlson has owned a condo in Sugar Beach for several years and moved to Maui permanently in November 2011, seemingly unaware of the migratory patterns of the humpback whales found in these waters.
“I’m quite ill at ease on the open sea since the kayak accident, so I’ve never been on a whale watch or anything. When I learned it was the same whales making the voyage from Homer to the waters outside my condo, my mind was blown.”
When questioned about how the restraining order would be served, Carlson fell silent, seemingly puzzled. “Maybe via boat? Or Sea-Doo? I don’t know. I guess that’s up to the process server to figure out.”
Regardless of the outcome, Carlson is committed to see this through to the end.
“I don’t care if it kills me. In fact, it probably will. But I won’t go down without a fight. These whales have to be stopped. Do you know how many car accidents they are responsible for? It’s reprehensible.”
Have an idea for a fun or thought-provoking story or topic? Get in touch: we want to hear from you. -Vanessa (@mauinow.com)