Weekend Offers Love, Onions and Girls on Skates

By Vanessa Wolf

If running yourself ragged is just what the doctor ordered, this weekend is ready-made for you!

There are events galore, particularly on Saturday, and we offer up some of the better options below. Eat your Wheaties and choose wisely.

Best Excuse to Display Your Unbridled Westside Loyalty

Forget about Biggie versus Tupac, we’re talking about the I ♥ LAHAINA fundraising event.

Beginning today at 4 p.m. at the Lahaina Cannery Mall, I ♥ LAHAINA – a fundraising event to benefit all six schools in West Maui – offers games, face painting, food booths, pony rides and a bouncy castle, so maybe leave the gin and juice at home.

There will also be live entertainment from Kapena, Uluwehi Guerrero and Nuff Sedd as well as music performances and art displays from the students themselves.

Activities are scheduled to run today from 4 p.m. to 9 p.m. and tomorrow, May 4 from
11 a.m. to 9 p.m.

Easiest Way to Feel Better About Your Own Life

A scene from the upcoming Prisoner of Second Avenue. L to R- John Peterson, Jennifer Rose

Neil Simon’s “The Prisoner of Second Avenue” opens tonight at 7:30 p.m. at the ProArts Playhouse in Kihei.

The play features Mel Edison, a well-paid executive of a high-end Manhattan firm.

Suddenly, Mel’s life goes to hell: the company hits the skids and he’s fired. Then he’s robbed, and his psychiatrist dies with $23,000 of his money.

Mel does the only thing left for an uptight New Yorker in the heyday of Woody Allen kvetch-ing comedies to do and has a nervous breakdown. Presumably laughs ensue amidst the misery.

“The Prisoner of Second Avenue” runs through May 19. It plays Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings at 7:30 p.m. and Sundays at 3 p.m., although there is no show this Sunday, May 5. Call 463-6550 for tickets or more information.

Wildest Boast We’ve Heard in Ages

Tomorrow from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. in the Baldwin High School cafeteria you can join the swarm and check out the “GREATEST SALE ON EARTH !”

The Neighbors Helping Neighbors Greatest Sale on Earth! rummage sale offers bargain furniture, clothing, books, household goods, baked goods and more.  Proceeds benefit  Neighbors Helping Neighbors Aloha Cruisers senior transportation program , plus it’s the greatest sale on EARTH .

Best Reason to Have Bad Breath

Looooooove onions?

Then Saturday is your lucky day.

Hold onto your Altoids, because the 24th Annual Maui Onion Festival starts at 9:45 a.m. at Whalers’ Village in Lahaina.

The first of five chef demonstrations begins at 10 a.m. and there are three judged events – Ka’anapali recipe contest, mixed drink, and Hawaii chef recipe contest – sprinkled throughout the day.

Perhaps you are of the ilk that chows down on raw onions like they’re apples just because you can.

If so, you might be excited to learn your unique talent doesn’t just gross out your friends and scare away would-be romantic interests. This Saturday you – and your offspring should there be any who possess the same penchant – can enter to win an onion-eating contest at the festival. Bad-breath-getting-time starts at 3:30 p.m. for the kids and 4 p.m. for adults.

There will be music and dancing from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. Attendees can also anticipate food booths, games, and a beer garden. The event is free to the public and parking is free as well, which is kind of amazing when you consider how much it usually costs to park at Whaler’s Village.

Best Reason to Pin Your Hair Into Some Victory Rolls

Saturday night at Stella Blues, take a nostalgic trip down memory lane with the Maui Rollergirls.

Doors open at 6:30 p.m. and “In the Mood” – an evening inspired by the USO tours of the 1940s – begins at 7 p.m.

The show offers dancing, comedy, live music from members of the Moonglow Big Band led by Louise Lambert, and presumably some impressive rollerskatery.

There will also be a silent auction open for bids until 9 p.m.

Tickets are $20 per person and include pupus. Proceeds will support game production and team travel.

Best Tickets You Never Got an Opportunity to Win

With his Midas touch songwriting abilities, it’s good to know Glenn is human too.

Let’s say a certain person (ahem) was approached about possibly running a contest to give away tickets to the Glenn Frey concert tomorrow night.

Perhaps said person promptly offered several excellent ideas, the best being a “submit a photo of you looking the most like Glenn’s 1973 mugshot” and NEVER HEARD BACK.

That’s right, Haiku. Half of you probably had a real shot at the gold, but we were all robbed on this one.

Anywho, hopefully you’ve got a small stash of bills tucked away for just such an occasion since legendary Eagles singer-songwriter and co-founder, Glenn Frey, will perform tomorrow night at 7 p.m.

Frey penned some of the most celebrated Eagles songs, including classics like “Tequila Sunrise,” “Best of My Love,” “One of These Nights,” “Lyin’ Eyes,” “Take It to the Limit,” “Hotel California” and “Life in the Fast Lane.”

However, you can presumably also expect to hear tunes from his recent 2012 solo effort, “After Hours,” a collection of classic love songs.

Tickets are $55, $79, $89 and $129.

Aware of something cool or amazing or incredible or jaw-dropping or WTF that’s happening or going to be happening on Maui? Why are you still sitting there reading these words!? LET US KNOW ABOUT IT: [email protected]