Top Reasons Not to Rob Pukalani’s First Hawaiian Bank

By Vanessa Wolf

Courtesy surveillance photos from the last Pukalani First Hawaiian Bank robbery.

It’s been almost a month since someone last robbed the First Hawaiian Bank in Pukalani. We bet there are a few of you out there thinking “third time’s the charm” and possibly considering your own hit.

Sure, you have a dirt bike and some camouflage pants. Perhaps your lady has been whining about how you never buy her nice underthings or take her to spend the night at the Westin Maui Resort and Spa in Ka’anapali. We can relate, but we encourage you to maybe pump the brakes a bit and reconsider.

Here are some hopefully thought-provoking reasons you might not want to go down that road.

• The top-down surveillance camera angle adds 20 pounds.
• Sure, the ladies love a man who can make it rain with a sack of marked bills, but if you really want to be gangsta, maybe get an actual job and watch the dead presidents roll in.
• Credit card fraud is so much easier, and you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your living room.
• You know you have at least one “friend” who will roll on you when he sees that photo of you looking all Billy the Kid with a bandana tied around your face.
• Bank robberies are so last month.
• For all that trouble and inevitable prison time, it’s kind of a bummer to get home and realize you’ve only netted $9,000 and a bunch of loan pamphlets.
• First Hawaiian Bank customers are over it. They aren’t even willing to get on the floor and cower anymore. They just throw their hands up and mutter, “oh, what the f — again??”
• The odds that you can rock one of those dayglo orange jumpsuits with your skin tone? Low.

There you have it. Do what you will, but don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Have an idea for a fun or thought-provoking story or topic? Get in touch: we want to hear from you. -Vanessa (@mauinow.com)