Vanessa Wolf’s satirical take on testimony in the Kihei Malls case before the state Land Use Commission does not necessarily reflect the views of Maui Now.
sat·ire /ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/ Noun
A literary work in which human vice or folly is exposed or criticized through irony, derision, or wit.
By Vanessa Wolf
250 affordable housing units!?
We can’t have that.
It’s a bait and switch if I’ve ever seen one.
Let me paint the picture: do you know what they mean by ‘affordable’?
They mean “projects.”
You heard me right: projects. I have an inside source who has tipped me off, and I’m here to tell you, this is a secret plan to build a ghetto.
Remember that Joni Mitchell song about, “They paved paradise and put up a parking lot”?
Well, try humming it like this, “They paved paradise and put in an friggin’ ghetto.”
Doesn’t sound so nice anymore, does it?
Plus, you know what you get with ghettos?
Crack cocaine. Rap music. Pants where someone’s underwear is entirely exposed. Marshall Mathers.
Think of the impact. Think of the traffic. Think of the gang signals we’ll all have to learn.
The axis deer need those 88 acres.
They are Goddess’s beloved, magical creatures and they deserve to roam free; free to follow their hearts and eat grass and leaves and berries and whatever they can forage with their cute little faces.
The axis deer are a peaceful, beautiful, and endangered spe…pardon?
The axis deer are rated by the IUCN as being of “least concern”?
Oh my. I did not realize that.
Let me start again.
The axis deer are a peaceful, beautiful, and plentiful species endemic to this place. The native Hawaiians revered them for their magnificence and splendor and the rare found antler was…pardon?
They’re from Sri Lanka?
Look, we don’t need this giant mall. We don’t want this place to become Oahu.
Have you been to Oahu? There’s so much traffic and pavement and noise. It’s practically LA. If you like that, just move to LA.
On the same note, we definitely don’t want Maui to become Calcutta. First off, it’s way too hot there. WAY TOO HOT. And it’s filthy. And that nasty business with all the begging and the stench? Let me just say Hell No.
What about Mexico City? Do we want Maui to become a mini-Mexico full of tortillas and beans and that awful polka music and heads in duffel bags? And what about all that inadvisable eyesore they call housing that people craft themselves out of corrugated metal and cardboard and fishing line? It’s really unsightly and I bet it doesn’t hold up very well in an earthquake or hurricane.
We don’t need that.
I say no to becoming a mini-Mexico City! And no to becoming Calcutta! And no to becoming Oahu! And no to the Pi’ilani Promenade! Who’s with me???
Aloha. I moved here five years ago, and now that I’m here, I don’t want anything to change.
You see, I come from a small town in New England with a population of 13,000. Back in my hometown, everything looks the same as it did 50 years ago.
Yes, it’s been updated with newer stores and restaurants, but the buildings have maintained their old facades with renovated windows, doors, and interiors. We passed a law that nothing over two stories tall can be built, and the town has been able to retain its quaint, homey feel.
The same thing needs to happen in Kihei. We need to hang onto its oldest, most treasured buildings like Stella Blues in the Azeka Mall and the Safeway. We have to preserve the Kamaole Shopping Center so that generations to come will still have the experience of climbing up those stairs.
You know, some of those buildings are over FIFTEEN YEARS OLD.
That’s a piece of history we must fight to preserve and protect.
In that spirit, allow me to close with a quote from one Mr. Henry David Thoreau, a man who knew a thing or two about the importance of preservation. “It would be worthwhile if in each town there were a committee appointed to see that the beauty of the town receive no detriment.”
The proposed Pi’ilani Promenade will really hurt local stores and shops.
Imagine if they put in a Target. Just think of the kind of damage that might do to Wal-Mart.
And a Trader Joe’s?
Do I even need to explain?
Let me explain: if there were suddenly a Trader Joe’s near my house I probably wouldn’t spend 40 minutes and $12 burning through precious fossil fuels – EACH WAY – going to Mana Foods. Sure, I’d probably still go to Mana once in a while when I was in the neighborhood, but I wouldn’t drive to Paia just to go there and add to the total nightmare that is already the current parking situation.
How can we even consider doing such a thing to our small businesses?
We don’t need it.
We have Macy’s and K-Mart. There’s that sports store that’s going out of business on South Kihei Road. There’s still a Barnes and Noble in Lahaina. So what if I have to drive almost an hour to get there? Maybe I enjoy the drive.
Have an idea for a fun or thought-provoking story? Get in touch: we want to hear from you. -Vanessa (@mauinow.com)
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