Hawaii Secrets Revealed to the Chinese… Revealed

Just a little amuse bouche for your brain. In other words, this is satire intended to entertain, thus its location in the arts and entertainment section.

By Vanessa Wolf

A parade of lions for good luck, which has very little do with this story except it’s Chinese. Photo by Sonia Isotov.

Last week, the US Attorney’s Office announced that a former US Army officer living in Hawaii had been charged with disclosing classified national security details to a 27-year-old Chinese woman.

59-year old Benjamin Pierce Bishop, a Hawaii resident, was charged with one count of willfully communicating national defense information to an unauthorized individual and one count of unlawfully retaining national defense documents.

Further investigation revealed that although Bishop did indeed willfully leak American secrets in an effort to impress a woman less than half his age,  due to his wild-eyed infatuation, the information he conveyed was arguably less damaging than originally feared.

The  communications to the 27-year old Chinese woman are believed to include the following secrets:

• Oprah’s private road is paved with gold and simply looking at it will blind you.
• Mayor Alan Arakawa’s Visa Card number is 4011-6529-8831-3770 (Exp: 10/16).
• The best place to get local produce on the cheap is at the Long’s in Kahului.
• A red flag at Fleetwood’s on Front Street means that Mick is on the island while a white flag means that he is off island.
• The “green flash” at sundown is a fairytale, like leprechauns and Big Foot.
• Try lemon juice on those stubborn dragonfruit stains.
• If you’re hoping for a celebrity photo op, Steven Tyler tweets his whereabouts almost every minute of the day.
• Buy low, sell high.

It’s hard to say for certain what other information might have been shared, but investigators fear the worst as a receipt for three copies of “Maui Revealed” was discovered in Bishop’s belongings.

The above story is intended purely for entertainment purposes and is (mainly) untrue. The part about the guy being charged with leaking classified info is true though.