Whales Outraged Over Spoiled Surprise

October 9, 2013, 5:07 PM HST · Updated October 9, 5:15 PM
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WARNING: SATIRE

By Vanessa Wolf

First Maui whale sighting of 2013. Photo courtesy Pacific Whale Foundation.

First Maui whale sighting of 2013. Photo courtesy Pacific Whale Foundation.

Reports indicate that area whales were outraged to learn that a recently migrated humpback known as “Skippy” was spotted on Saturday morning, gallivanting about two miles from Molokini.

Upon hearing the news, one particularly incensed whale was overheard commenting, “Skippy screwed up everything. We had a spectacular synchronized routine planned that was going to surprise everybody, but, well… why even bother now?”

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Reports indicate that Skippy was spotted by passengers and crew aboard the Pacific Whale Foundation’s Ocean Voyager vessel at around 7:36 a.m. on Saturday, Oct. 5, 2013.

Through advanced whale song interpretative technology, researchers were able to determine that an older humpback later identified as “Maude” was an organizer in the planned spectacle.

Her particularly melancholic song was translated early Tuesday morning to say, “We worked on the choreography for weeks. We looked to popular human culture for inspiration: the dancing fountains at Bellagio Resort and Casino in Las Vegas provided the vision. We had routines to both Y.M.C.A. and Michael Jackson’s Thriller in the works.

“We were all set to unveil this thing on Halloween morning,” Maude continued to fume. “This flash mob routine was going to launch us into the big time: not just CNN, but viral YouTube videos; the whole enchilada.”

First Maui whale sighting of 2013. Photo courtesy Pacific Whale Foundation.

First Maui whale sighting of 2013. Photo courtesy Pacific Whale Foundation.

Researchers met with surprise at news of the whale’s advanced choreographic plans.

To their further astonishment, their outcry of disbelief was quickly met with a verbal smackdown by a particularly livid kohola identified only as “Shane.”

“Look, just because we float around in the ocean all day making mournful, haunting noises doesn’t mean we’re not smart.

“Sure, if you measure intelligence by how quickly some mammal can overpopulate land that doesn’t inherently sustain large numbers of individuals, deplete natural resources, pollute the environment, drive entire species into extinction, poison themselves and eventually wipe out not only their own kind but everything else with them, then… yeah. I guess we’re idiots.”

Maude then augmented Shane’s verbal tirade, adding, “If you had endless krill pools to eat to your hearts’ content and no use for houses, cars or nuclear power plants, you probably wouldn’t bother with all that stuff either.

“We’ve only developed a global communications network of incredibly sophisticated frequency modulation conveying an understanding of math, astronomy, and a social language… but by all means that couldn’t possibly indicate we might ever manage to learn the moves to Gangnam Style.”

First Maui whale sighting of 2013. Photo courtesy Pacific Whale Foundation.

First Maui whale sighting of 2013. Photo courtesy Pacific Whale Foundation.

In an attempt to soothe obvious flared tempers and wounded feelings, researchers endeavored to change the subject by inquiring into the pod’s plans now that the announcement of their return to Maui via premeditated flash mob display had been foiled.

Shane responded with obvious frustration.

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll just form competition pods, breed, calve, nurse our young: the usual.”

Skippy, the humpback blamed for all the trouble, was unavailable for comment, but was believed to be off the shores of Lahaina trying to get a look at the cruise ship carrying the reported ailing passenger.

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Have an idea for a fun, funny or thought-provoking story or topic? Get in touch: we want to hear from you. – Vanessa (@mauinow.com)

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