By Vanessa Wolf

Image courtesy Kula Fields.

Paul Simon never tackled the subject, but we imagine if he did it might have gone something like:

Just start with a snack, Jack

Make a green flan, Stan

Put down that pak choi, Roy

Grab the Surfing Goat cheese

We need more asparagus, Gus

You don’t need to discuss much

Just add some kim chee, Lee

Expect weird-smelling pee.

What on earth are we babbling about now?

Well, Kupu Maui’s upcoming all-asparagus event, of course.

Held next Saturday, March 15, this reception-style feast is being held from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. at Anuhea Farms in Makawao.

Former UH Maui Hawaiian history professor, Dorothy Pyle, will share the story of the agricultural history of Maui while protea and asparagus farm owners Bill and Judy Mertens provide a tour of their 14-acre farm.

Once your mind is fed, prepare to have your palate dazzled with asparagus served 15 different ways.

You read that right. Asparagus. Fifteen. Crazy, wonderful ways.

Kupu’s culinary advisor Chef Lyndon Honda has come up with a menu that starts with Asparagus “Soda” made with club soda and simple syrup and slides headlong into Kim Chee Asparagus made with garlic, ginger, fish sauce and Maui onions.

Also anticipate Raw Asparagus Pesto Canapés with toasted pine nuts; Asparagus Spanakopita made with feta cheese, phyllo dough, Maui onions and smoked Greek yogurt; and Hoisin Ginger-Grilled Asparagus with garlic and cilantro.

But that’s not all.

Honda will serve Charred Asparagus Goma Salad with bonito flakes, fermented black garlic puree and Japanese mayo;  Crab and Asparagus Tips with grated eggs, parmesan cheese and tobiko; and Harissa-Grilled Asparagus with basil and fresh mozzarella cheese.

Pick your jaw up off the floor and try some Pickled Asparagus and Olive Oil Poached Kona Kampachi with kalamata olives and Surfing Goat Dairy feta cheese, Asparagus Strawberry Salad with chocolate shavings; Charred Asparagus with Spanish chorizo and Manchego cheese; and Asparagus and Herb Pork Tenderloin with camembert dijon cream and crushed Marcona almonds.

By now you might be thinking, “Surely no one would make dessert out of asparagus,” but you’ve obviously forgotten about the earlier soda concoction.

That stated, indulge your sweet tooth with  Asparagus and Surfing Goat Dairy Goat Cheese Gelato, Asparagus Lemon Olive Oil Cake and even Asparagus “Poky Sticks.”

Seating is limited and these events sell out fast.

Get your $80 ticket online and if you manage to snag one: don’t forget to wear casual attire, flat and comfortable shoes, and bring a sweater or jacket.